If you’re there dating Apps or social media, you probably know “ENM” or ethical non-monogamy, aka consensual non-monogamy (CNM), aka “plain ol’” Non-monogamy. The umbrella term – which means anything but monogamy – seems to have taken over the online dating sphere recently. The term “ethical non-monogamy” saw a 213 percent increase in the last year alone in search queries.
But what exactly is consensual non-monogamy and what are the pros and cons of the relationship style? To find out, Mashable spoke to three experts in the field.
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What is consensual non-monogamy?
While the term “ethical non-monogamy” is most commonly used, experts lean toward consensual non-monogamy, or simply non-monogamy.
“What is considered ethical for one person may not be considered ethical for another person,” explained relationship coach Dedeker Winston, co-host of the show Multiamory Podcast and co-author of Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships. The term she uses is consensual non-monogamy because that is the standardized research term.
“When we talk about non-monogamy, it should ideally be anchored in an ethical and consensual way,” said marriage and family therapist and moderator of the event Sluts and scholars Podcast, Nicoletta Heidegger. “Otherwise it would be fraud.”
“The practice of having multiple relationships, which may be either sexual or romantic in nature.”
However, non-monogamy itself is an umbrella term. It is “the practice of having multiple relationships, which may be either sexual or romantic,” Winston said, “having those relationships simultaneously and with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.”
For relationship coach and co-host of the Curious fox PodcastEffy Blue, it’s essentially the opposite of monogamy.
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What is a polyamorous relationship?
Within the range of non-monogamy are the variations in which people practice it. They can be polyamorous, which literally means “lots of love,” and have romantic and sexual relationships with multiple people. Polyamory can also be seen as an umbrella term that covers many behavior patterns.
What is an open relationship?
Non-monogamous people might be into this swinging – mostly couples who swap partners – or cuckold, which means watching your partner having fun with someone else. They may be in an open relationship, which is also a pretty broad term but usually means a primary romantic connection and other sexual connections.
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“Anything from ‘We’re monogamous most of the time 364 days a year, but once a year we have this wild drunken threesome,'” can fall under non-monogamy, Winston said. This could fall under “monogamous,” a term coined by sex writer and podcaster Dan Savage mostly monogamous.
As for the increasing popularity of non-monogamy, Winston sensed a shift in 2016, the year Trump was elected president. “A lot of structures have been called into question this year,” she said, including monogamy. She noticed more and more people expressing that they don’t practice monogamy or including it in their Instagram bios.
Then, several years later, COVID forced us into a literal and figurative existential crisis. “People may have felt that if they are repressing a part of them, now is the time to express it,” Winston continued.
Not to mention, pop culture has also reinforced its portrayal of non-monogamy – like Netflixs Simply and celebrities (like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith) open up about it too. Dating apps have also taken notice hinge And Tinder Adding non-monogamous labeling options.
Obstacles in non-monogamous relationships
As with any relationship style, there are difficulties to overcome. With non-monogamy, these struggles can become even more complex because more than one person is involved.
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When thinking about non-monogamy, jealousy might be at the forefront. It is an emotion that appears in various aspects of our lives – such as our careers and certainly in relationships. How we are socialized with this emotion is funny, Winston said, because in contexts outside of romantic relationships, jealousy is seen as a good thing. For example: If you are jealous of a colleague because he gets a promotion, this jealousy is intended to motivate you.
“But when it comes to romantic jealousy, the story is more like this [jealousy is] “It’s a completely unacceptable feeling,” Winston said, and if you’re in a situation where you’re feeling jealous, that’s a big red flag.
Before you plunge into non-monogamy, ask yourself (and your partner if you’re already married): How do we deal with hard feelings when they arise?
It’s not that people who prefer non-monogamy don’t get jealous – it’s that they recognize that it’s a typical feeling to experience and deal with it by looking inward and being honest about their feelings partners are.
“There must be willingness and … supporting instruments and systems in place,” Heidegger said. Before you plunge into non-monogamy, ask yourself (and your partner if you’re already married): How do we deal with hard feelings when they arise?
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So communication is of utmost importance in non-monogamous relationships (just as it is in monogamous relationships). But beyond communication, you have to be willing to be vulnerable and honest, Winston said, and if you’re not, the communication won’t be successful.
Blue warned that there was too much communication. One danger she sees is that one partner in a couple becomes so focused on non-monogamy that it’s the only thing they want to talk about. Don’t let that happen; Remember to nurture other aspects of your relationship.
Another problem Blue sees is bandwidth and time management. Couples looking to open up for the first time may have many responsibilities—like work and kids—and need to fit new, different relationships into their already busy lives. Be honest with yourself about how much time you need to spend meeting new people, and speak to those people directly about your availability to your new partner.
Relationship trauma and Problems with attachments can also rise to the surface. It is possible for relationships – monogamous or non-monogamous – to be healing and corrective, but if this is not done intentionally, they can actually be unintentionally harmful, Heidegger said. If you have experienced relationship trauma in the past, seek out a therapist to work through these issues with you.
Then there is the exhausting obstacle of swimming against the current. Society is so focused on cis, heterosexual monogamy that there is pressure to conform to these ideals. “We’re all swimming against the tide,” Winston said. When we have community and feel supported, it is easier to live non-normatively, but it can still be tiring.
Non-monogamy “can be difficult, and there’s an added layer of difficulty on top of that because the water we’re swimming in doesn’t really naturally support us,” Winston said.
Benefits of non-monogamous relationships
With this in mind, Heidegger said that non-monogamy has the potential to help you deal with relationship problems and bring about healing in ways you didn’t think possible. It is also an opportunity to tune into your desires and express your desires more openly. “It enables people to have a more complete love, a more complete pleasure, [and] to maybe feel less ashamed of their needs and wants,” she said.
Non-monogamy also promotes autonomy. You can be clear about what you really want instead of what society deems acceptable.
“A big advantage I see is that … non-monogamy can give us the chance to work with one or more partners and still maintain a sense of independent identity and interests,” Winston said.
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Blue sees the main advantage in finding a relationship design in which you can be successful. If you’ve found something that works better for you than monogamy, that’s a plus. Another aspect she mentioned is bringing in new relationship energy – even in long-term relationships. You and your partner are embarking on a new adventure that can be exciting for both of you.
Heidegger repeated this. Because non-monogamy allows people to experience something new, it can add freshness and a sense of adventure to your relationships.
If you’re interested in becoming non-monogamous, you’re already starting on the right foot: research. Next, check out our guide to getting started with non-monogamy to learn more about how to gently and consciously open your relationship.
This article was originally published in 2023 and updated in 2024.