Tom Brady may have signed up to be roasted, but he may have misjudged how many jokes there would be about his ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen.
On Sunday, the 46-year-old former Netflix quarterback sat on stage at the Kia Forum in Inglewood, California The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Bradywhere he watched comedian after comedian — and some of his NFL teammates over the years — take shots at anything and everything Deflategate to his failed marriage with the 43-year-old Brazilian model. The couple were married from 2009 to 2022 and have two children together, Benjamin and Vivian.
Just before the roast began, Kevin Hart spoke to ET outside the event and said that was the case We approach the roast with a take-no-prisoners attitude and that nothing was taboo, not even Bündchen Dissolution of their marriage and Bündchens new relationship with her Jiu-Jitsu trainerJoaquim Valente.
“I’m being mean today,” joked Hart, 44. “I’m not being nice today, Kevin… I expect that after today I’m going to lose my relationship with Tom. I’ve already dealt with that.”
The actor and comedian added: “Tom knows I love him. “He knows all my stuff comes from a place of fun and good heart, but I have a job to do. I have a job to do.
While Brady said in a promo for the event that it was “no problem” that the comedians and friends alike would come down hard on him, the football star looked uncomfortable as the punchlines about his ex-wife continued to add up throughout the night.
The roast also brought out famous faces and friends close to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers star, including Kim KardashianCEO of the Patriots Robert Kraftformer coach Bill Belichick and Ben Affleck –WHO recently starred in a Dunkin’ commercial with Brady – everyone has stayed away from jokes referencing the Brazilian supermodel.
Below, ET has compiled all the jokes the roasters made at Bündchen’s expense throughout the night.
Kevin Hart:
- “I want to congratulate you, Tom, because you are now living a peaceful life. This is a big deal. A big thing! “For two years – it’s been two years since Tom got divorced… and in those two years, Tom’s been damned… yes, Tom has put that two-inch tool to use.”
- “The single life is what you deserve. You had no choice, Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire or we’re done.’ That’s what she said to you, Tom. “You retire or we’re done.” Let me tell you something: If you have a chance to get eight out of nine and it’s only going to cost you your wife and kids, you gotta do what the hell you do have to do.”
- “I love the way you and Gisele find a way to co-parent and still stick together, man. Gisele is actually here tonight to support you, but – just to ensure complete transparency – she came as Antonio Brown’s plus point.” “
- After joking about Brady leaving the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick, Hart joked, “Sometimes you gotta fuck your coach. Do you know who else fucked this coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate.” Man… One of the smartest quarterbacks to ever play the game, how could you not expect that? Eight damn karate classes a day… and she’s still a white belt. She had bruises on her butt, everyone should have known that.
- “You can’t lose fights against bonus dad Jesus Christ, the kids have to change their names – the damn guy knows karate, Tom. You can’t fight this guy. “I can’t help you” with this guy.
Jeff Ross:
- “Give it up for the lord of the Super Bowl rings, my friend, Tom Brady. A man who has so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher.” .”
- “You are a legend, Tom. That’s really you. You really captivated Gisele.”
Drew Bledsoe:
- “My favorite wine is our world-class Cabernet. Tom’s favorite wine is: ‘Where’s the flag?’ Apparently, buddy, you’ve really gotten used to not being touched, just like you did at the end of the marriage.”
- “Look, buddy, you have more rings than me, but I’ve experienced a few things you’ll never experience. The feeling of being the No. 1 draft pick in the NFL… and a 28th wedding anniversary, that’s it. “It was yesterday.”
Nikki Glaser:
- “Tom Brady: five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns – you have seven rings… well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back.”
- “Tom, the only thing dumber than saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey baby, you should try jiu-jitsu.’ That must suck. How much it would suck – oh my God if I only knew your ex-wife’s new boyfriend could beat your ass while he ate hers.”
- “Tom hates fat. Do you know his diet program? It’s so strict, but if you follow it like he did, you too could lose your family. You could lose so much family.”
Randy Moss:
- “So Nikki said you took it from Gisele. Maybe – I don’t know – we’ll let the fans vote on it. Everyone head over to Instagram and vote. “Randy Moss, should he give me Gisele’s ring or the first Super Bowl ring?”
Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura:
- “Great self-esteem? This motherfucker has it,” Segura said as a news clip appeared on the screen showing Brady’s $375 million contract with Fox Sports. “To be fair, Gisele got half the check,” Kreischer replied as the audience retreated, prompting him to respond, “Screw you, is she here?” Then finally shut up.”
- After comparing Brady to Adolf Hitler: “They are so similar…The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stayed with his wife until the end.”
Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy:
- “Cool [Moss], he would never get you the ring. The check-down pass was the only option. You were just a sexy decoy to make Tom look good. You were the on-field version of Gisele Bündchen.
- “It’s called Gisele or Giss-e-elle? Giss-e-elle, I think, right… Poor Giss-e-elle, it took her 13 years to learn what we all know: Tom is boring.”
- “I mean, let’s face it, your best years are behind you. The Super Bowls, Giss-e-elle…”
Julian Edelman:
- “When I came to New England, you were already Tom Brady. Three Super Bowls, married to a supermodel. I wanted to be like you so much, brother, that when your wife left, I thought about getting rid of my wife, too.”
- “But I don’t want to talk about your wife… he’s actually here: Alex Guerrero, everyone!”
Tony Hinchcliffe:
- “Hey, Tom. That’s great. Nice shoes, bitch. Did you win that in the divorce?”
- “Apparently your ex-wife is after you, I heard she’s out there sucking her balls out right now.”
Rob Gronkowski:
- “I’m really happy we have you and Bill here tonight. Everyone thinks you hate each other, but I’ve seen it first hand, you two are completely alike. You’re both tough guys who hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of you is married anymore.
Andrew Schultz:
- “Tom, you became the GOAT because you became the fiercest competitor on the planet. Tom was once asked which of his rings was his favorite and he said, ‘The next one.’ Sorry, that’s a Gisele quote. That was definitely Gisele.
- “They remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you are, how much you accomplish in your life, you can always become a twice-divorced nutritional supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida.”
- “That’s why Dana [White] is here so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian for half his wallet.”
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