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From a young age, we master the art of persuasion and strategic communication, skills that are crucial not only in personal interactions but also in professional environments such as startups. Developmental psychologists have found that children as young as five years old are experimenting with various influence techniques such as negotiation, persuasion, and even tantrums. They carefully observe and imitate the adults around them to find out which behaviors actually produce the desired results.
In addition, core beliefs about assertiveness are formed during these formative years—be it the belief that one must earn the right to make requests or the feeling of being entitled to make demands without preconditions. Consequently, children begin to adopt different styles of influence based on their observations and experiences.
By the time we enter professional life, these dynamics have already become deeply embedded in our psyche and have led to the development of specific personality types that exert influence. Most of us learn skills to better exert influence depending on the situation, but we usually have a default style that can be divided into two main groups: Pushers and pullers.
Research I’ve conducted across multiple organizations shows that only 10-15% of people surveyed use a mix of both styles and use both push and pull with ease. The vast majority clearly fall into either a strong push or pull style. Each type has its own approach to influence. Knowing which type suits your natural style can greatly increase your effectiveness in achieving better results at your startup.
Related: 7 Scientifically Proven Steps to Increase Your Influence
Overview of each type:
Pushers are direct and clear, often driven by a desire for clarity and reducing confusion. They tend to position themselves as experts rather than being open and curious. In collaborative environments, they prefer to express their needs directly rather than ask questions to understand others’ perspectives. Under stress they can become demanding, aggressive and poor at listening, sometimes oversimplifying things and defensively taking control of the conversation.
Pullers are considered more cooperative, inclusive and open. You value building trust and connection through questions and have a keen sense of other people’s emotions. Under stress, puppeteers may withhold their point of view, make up stories, second-guess themselves, be overly verbose, and unconsciously cause confusion because they lack clarity in their desires.
Tactics to improve your natural style while learning from others
Pushers should:
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State the “why”: Explain the reasons for your requests and make sure those reasons are of interest to your audience.
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Ask open-ended questions: By default, exit Tell mode and enter Ask mode. When working with others, connection is often as important as expertise.
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Repeat what you hear: Strategically rephrase and rephrase content, feelings, and needs to demonstrate understanding.
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Don’t always expect to get your way: Natural pushers often get upset when someone disagrees with them. Learn to accept different viewpoints to reduce frustration.
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Be patient: Avoid forcing quick solutions if further discussion is needed.
Pullers should:
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Start with your conclusion: Start with your core idea instead of developing a long-winded argument for what you want and hoping people will keep going along with it.
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Claim: Say what you want clearly and directly. This takes practice, especially if asking for what you need was difficult in childhood. Practice with a trusted colleague to become comfortable with this skill.
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Practice brevity: Say what you want simply and clearly, without unnecessary details. Natural puppeteers tend to over-explain themselves and risk losing their audience.
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Let go of past conversations: Pullers often dwell on past interactions and criticize themselves for not choosing the perfect words. It is beneficial for them to embrace the concept of “good enough” rather than striving for perfection in every conversation.
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Do not undo your request: After submitting your request, avoid excessive follow-up that could lead to confusion. Pullers often feel the need to make sure they are understood. They tend to explain themselves again after the first conversation, either in Slack or via email. This can upset the audience and introduce ambiguity that didn’t exist before.
Related: 8 groundbreaking strategies to become more influential at work
It’s crucial to figure out where you are on the push-pull spectrum and think about how your style helps or hinders you in your role. Start by adopting an aspect of your opponent’s style that doesn’t come naturally to you. Over time, you’ll develop more balanced skills that will be valued by your team and increase your overall impact.